Sunday, June 25, 2006

the Show must Go on

老豆今天說﹐下個月要退休了
看著雙親頭上的花白﹐強烈的慚愧襲來

是時後要振作了﹐黃任匡。


無論如何
這些年來辛苦了﹐老頭子。

即使沒有說出口﹐其實你是個很成功的父親﹐很成功的男人。在歐洲無憂無慮的日子﹐收到你的電郵說﹕
Money is nothing, spend it whenever you need. It is not always have such opportunity to travel abroad and see the valuable things. I hope you can enrich your mind and have a pleasant experience.

We just wonder if you have enough money for the rest of days, so please don't confine yourself to spend your money.

Enjoy yourself and see you soon

Dad

老豆﹐你實在太型了。

那時後我又再答應自己一次﹐我一定要賺好多好多的錢﹐讓父母親將來退休後也可以這樣無憂無慮的生活。除了讓自己的女人和孩子都能安樂豐足的生活﹐還有能令一個男人更驕傲安慰的事嗎﹖將來的我未必有這個能耐﹐但起碼在事業剛起步的這個時後﹐我不能再懦弱下去。

整整五天的懦弱﹐對我來說是太多了。況且﹐我不是要做 MSF 嗎﹖區區 AHNH﹐又算甚麼了﹗

所以

今天我跟老豆和老媽子告別之後﹐踏著陽光回家時
我笑著向藍天起誓。

Mr Saigon

昨晚在西貢﹐在人工湖和蛙鳴中間﹐我又痛苦地重溫了一次那天的恐怖和不憤。
其實知道﹐你們都不明白﹐但不要緊。起碼這一次﹐我沒有哭了。

一切都會好的
我只是再需要一點時間。





然後今天﹐從大埔火車站“熬”了二十分鐘的非空調巴士﹐終於首次看見了這座傳說中的雅麗咩何咩咩那打素醫院。

新簇簇的院舍﹐座落在一個小山丘上﹐一面向著公共屋村﹐另一面向著一大片的綠色。自從中學畢業﹐考入沙宣大學﹐離開了新界六年。在畢業後的今天﹐我又看見這些青蔥翠綠和黝黑的膚色了。


Friday, June 23, 2006

喘息

你有試過憂心得太累嗎﹖
人勞動過度﹐身體會累﹔焦慮﹐傷心過度﹐心也會累。
身體累了﹐就不能夠再工作﹐需要休養。心累了﹐也不能再產生情感﹐因為需要喘息。

失眠了﹐一夜折騰﹐網路上傳來某個早沒有聯絡的同學的 forward message。這些 message 通常都是十二分的討厭﹐尤其是來自這些從來沒有熟絡過的舊同學的無聊 forward message﹐不外乎是慘絕人寰老土笑話人生哲理不知所云。但這夜收到的這幾條連結﹐剛好成為暫時喘息的心靈雞湯。

關於愛 - 你好 4-1
關於愛 - 你好 4-2
關於愛 - 你好 4-3
關於愛 - 你好 4-4



《關於愛》(港譯《戀愛地圖》) 是三段短編故事﹐是分別發生於東京﹐台北和上海的三個愛情小品。其中﹐由陳柏林和伊東美主演的《你好》﹐就是這夜成功讓我暫時 (就算是暫時都好) 放鬆了眉頭的好電影。
陳柏林演的漫畫師恰如其份﹐伊東美一貫動人。倒是這個叫下山天的導演﹐(還有那個編劇究竟是誰了﹖) 讓人驚喜不絕。一個本來已經清新可喜的愛情故事﹐一個本來已經讓人充滿環想的東京﹐在他的鏡頭和陽光之中﹐沒頭沒腦的浪漫不已。



唔唔﹐下次去逛影碟鋪﹐買一隻回來和 Monica 看吧

這個叫下山天的傢伙究竟是何方神聖﹖有空一定要好好研究研究一下。因為繼阮世生後﹐這是另外一個
溫柔得可以的男人。

Deep Shit

After all those tears, and insomnia, today I have to attend the NT Eastern Cluster Orientation in PWH, held for all those working in the NTEC hospitals, including AHNH.

They were allocating rooms in staff quaters, as well as illustrating the usage of the PWH intranet. Throughout the day, sitting with all these people whom I was supposed to be working with in PWH, it felt like something got lodged in my throat. There was no wa to get it out, no matter how hard I tried.

In one of those hypnotizing sessions in the speaker mentioned about the tiring and exhaustive life of an intern, and how stressful it could be. Sitting among the worried faces, I pondered, "I could give anything for an exhaustive rotation in return."

I never minded about being exhausted, exploited, or whatever you wanna put it. I don't mind to have less holidays, or to work alone amoung CU graduates. All these were always expected, and I'm well prepared for it. I'd be more then happy if I take a few exhausting rotations, and get a nice training position at the end in return. Only that I now do not have a chance to be exhausted.



回憶就像六合彩﹐會突然轉出一個你意料之外但又無可厚非的熟悉。
那是十九年前的古老回憶了......

兩件事相似得可怕
只是﹐致命的分別卻在於
我不再是那個討人歡喜﹐名列前矛的可愛小不點了

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Desperation

This whole morning has been a total nightmare. A morning, being so unbelievably dreadful and exhausting, is however about to change the rest of my career life.



No mornings were ever so long and yet so short. There is nothing like making like 30 phone calls to a dozen of complete strangers, asking (begging) for some favor which you know well enough how remote the chance is for them to say yes to whatever you're asking. Out of the dozen of them, only 2 of them didn't reject me immediately after they've heard about AHNH, but within 3 minutes afterwards. Before that, I wasn't extremely passimistic about the going to AHNH, now I am.

I wouldn't have turnt down all those offers to swap with me last week, in the first place, if I knew all these are happening. And after all those stuggling, now it turnt out that it sounds even like it is me who has done something, to make these happening to me myself.

"Look, I've given you a few hours to do what you wanna do. And you still cannot make it. It is 3 o'clock in the afternoon already. There is nothing I can do. I must send the list to the HR and tell the people in AHNH that you are going there."

Hey, Listen up.
FUCK YOU!




Now all are settled, as badly as it can be.
And the anger is over. All I have now is desperation, sadness and an exhausted mind.
It wouldn't feel so bad if they have allocated me this way in the first place last week, so that I still have a chance to swap. Even if I eventually may end up in the same situation, at least I had some, eventhough tiny, sense of control, and a chance to do something. Now it almosts feels like being raped. The question that keeps haunting my head for the whole morning was, "HOW ON EARTH CAN THEY DO THIS TO ME?" And you know what, I cannot even make a complaint about all these outrage, as some friend have suggested. I still have to work with those people in AHNH for 3 bloody months. (not mentioning the very reference I will have to ask from them for God's sake) The last thing I want is to spoil my reputation before I even get there.

I'm done, fucked, doomed, simply doomed, very doomed, period.
The thing I was worried most is about to happen.
This is the end of it.

What have I done wrong to deserve all these?!

快不行了
怎麼辦
怎麼辦
怎麼辦
怎麼辦
怎麼辦
怎麼辦
怎麼辦?

(subjected to further elaborations, after the writer has pulled himself together, if ever possible)

Dread

好想殺人﹐也想自殺。











我詛咒世上所有的 Secretary
我詛咒所謂的 Random selection

(詳情暫時按下不表。筆者仍在作最後爭扎)

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Grad Din 了

差不多要出門了
先去胡忠﹐再到會展
最後一個 Grad Din﹐且看趙薇如何大戰朱姐

下回分解

舊鞋

昨天見了久遺了的兩班老友﹐雖然都是沒有甚麼高潮驚喜的飯局﹐但果然老朋友就如殘舊的破鞋﹐穿著很舒坦﹐很自然﹐很愜意﹔老朋友也像家中的舊茶壺﹐滿佈了厚厚的茶漬﹐偶然隨便沖進一泡開水﹐也能泡出滿室香濃。

  • 貓﹐ (天﹐怎麼我的朋友不是貓就是狗﹐或者雞甚麼的) 我都話唔洗睇醫生咯﹐係唔聽人講﹐係要比人厄你幾舊水至安樂。氣﹗
  • 河+旗﹐搵工啦。天黑啦。
  • 名媛 Lily 姐﹐請停止曬你的幸福﹐我們都要得皮膚癌了。
  • Arthur, we will overcome.
  • 麻媽﹐Jasmine﹐Don﹐在 Monica 的協助下﹐我終於找到一套合身 (但超核突) 的西裝了。
  • A同學﹐看在你的手信份上﹐將來考試有甚麼要幫忙的﹐即管找我吧﹗

Friday, June 16, 2006

感激




從小到大都不懂得向人說句謝謝﹐無論如何感激﹐都只會拙劣不已的拱手傻笑。
但到了今年夏天﹐這個牛一﹐向為這二十多年的求學生涯打下完美句號的你們﹐又怎能再吝嗇了。

回想四年前﹐暴雨過後﹐重回校園。面對一百六十張陌生的面孔﹐初來步到﹐舉目無親。直到這兩天﹐收到的祝福之多﹐又豈是當年可以想像。正因為自問絕非世故的交際能手﹐所以尤其感激。

然後昨晚一夜天南地北﹐佳餚美酒﹐嘻哈絕倒﹐盡興而回。
前一晚凌晨時份﹐海狗還在說甚麼擔心家裡沒有甚麼娛樂﹐怕會把我們都給悶壞了。結果﹐我們都成功證明了。和徐志摩不同﹐我們每一片雲采都帶走﹐把康橋的快樂瘋狂全都帶回來了﹐一片都沒有少。就算這裡沒有乒乓﹐沒有芥花﹐沒有遼闊的天空﹐沒有大片的鬱金香﹐沒有夢幻一般的風車和彩虹﹐就在一杯濃香的英國紅茶裡﹐我們都可以找得到歐洲夏天的氣味。
(我們甚至把那些撲克和大富翁都給忘了。)

當時忽發奇想﹐就算生日的不是我﹐看著你們都笑得燦爛﹐我信我會一樣快樂。

因為我們五個香港幫﹐真箇是他媽的過癮。

謝謝你們。




今天陽光燦爛﹐是回來香港之後的第一趟。
到沙宣道途中的路上﹐看著地上片片金色的陽光 —— 然後發現﹐我真的已經回來了。



Shop list

  • James Blunt 大碟 (在倫敦忍了手﹐一直念念不忘啊)
  • 喇叭一雙連 woofer 乙個 (這一項已經在 Shop list 上有不少於三年的資歷了)
(天﹐我甚麼時候變得這麼物質主義的﹗)
  • Don Quixote (還記得在倫敦往劍橋的那一對甜蜜夫婦﹐他們介紹的這一本 “first﹐and still the best novel in history”)
  • Chicago VCD/DVD (音樂劇掌聲如雷﹐電影版劣評如潮﹐倒要看看有多爛)
  • Organizer & Note Pad (...... 終於有個正經點的 item 了......)
(Gosh this is gonna make me look like some idiotic teenage girl......)

Marry Poppins

終於成功將 plug-in program 裝好
第一首 plug 的曲目﹐不作他想﹐當然就是 Rooftop Duet 版的 Chim Chim Cher-Ee 了。
歌曲來自 Mary Poppins﹐是我在倫頓看的第四齣音樂劇。那是一齣夢一般的音樂劇﹐或者應該說﹐那是一個音樂劇般的夢




Chim Chim Cher-Ee 是兩位主角在倫敦一座大屋天臺上的二重唱。歌詞內容描寫倫敦迷人的夜色中﹐兩個天使般的主角似有若無的打情罵俏﹐既是鴛鴦也是仙。後來﹐他們談到 Banks 一家的兩個孩子。女的堅持離開﹐不再做他們的媬母了﹐留下男的一個人﹐在天臺唱著孤獨的籬歌。然後﹐臨別依依﹐音樂一轉﹐Marry Poppins 就乘著晚風﹐飛走了。

已經有好多個年頭﹐沒有為一個童話如此著迷
只怪﹐Marry Poppins 是如此美麗動人的一個天使




Wednesday, June 14, 2006

多事之秋

之一

在毫無心理准備的情況之下,實習生涯的安排突然揭盅。唔得佢死。

這兩天來教授們對大夥兒的嘉勉鼓勵提點安撫警告恐嚇內容暫且按下不表。且說當日分配結果公佈了以後﹐全班沸沸騰騰﹐我坐著忐忐忑忑﹕頭兩水都 medicine 都算如我所願啦。丫﹐你又比個 PW 同 QM 我﹐話差又唔算太差0既都﹐但係兩間都 UMU 囉。你話如果捱左成年騾仔﹐你因為我冇 Ding 而唔請我﹐你都咪話唔灰。喂大佬呀﹐medical 班友仔係興淨係 IN 自己 D 吼時抿加麻陰功~~~ UMU 我 OK wor 都﹐但係咪應該試下 D peripheral 呢都 ...... (下省五萬字)

如是者兩天以來﹐輾轉反側﹐折騰不斷。

煩惱乃係因為此舉足以影響事業前途 (氣﹗你邊次煩唔係0甘講假~ )
煩惱乃係因為發現成績突然變得重要 (超﹗煩咩丫煩﹐抵你格﹐0甘鬼懶)
煩惱乃係因為可以選擇 (蟹﹗冇得揀你又煩0既姐......)

無論如何﹐多番思量過後﹐如無意外﹐我還是會選擇按兵不動。話說回頭﹐面對未來一年的勞役﹐就如Peter Lee 所說﹐the main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing。

在 LT4 時我想﹐“就算點辛苦﹐面對病人時﹐都要好似亞媽嚮側跟望住我做野0甘﹐唔可以 Let her down。”
現在我想﹐假想母親大人在旁督促或許還是不夠的。
她的位置不應該是我的旁邊﹐而是在病床上。

Cure sometimes. Care always.

---與未來一年的自己共勉之




之二

最近拜讀一本土文化人合著的小書﹐名為《香港式的思考認知盲點》。圖文並茂﹐值得推薦。當中梁文道還是一樣的火辣嗆喉﹐沈旭輝則繼續在他的北韓和土庫曼斯坦之間﹐一葉知秋﹐綜論天下。
喜見的新發現﹐反而是穿插全書的插畫。詭異的漫畫式插圖﹐碳筆和木顏色構成有著很重的香港的氣味的圖像。裡面的人物表情如死屍冷漠﹐畫面卻又潑辣有力地吶喊著主題。插畫師是一位名為梁志林的年輕人﹐年輕怪人。
稱他怪人﹐原因有二﹕
其一﹐且看他在書中自我介紹﹕“雙木化工喪扮人 ...... 從事多方位創作﹐想作深入了解可觀其網頁。最後想多謝 Paco﹐呀唔係﹐應該係多謝 meta-global﹐我 ... 真係 ... 好 ... 鍾意畫畫 ... 嫁”
其二﹐這斯竟然改了個洋名喚作 “Cupid Leung”。
夠膽死。


(相機屍骨未寒﹐圖片暫時欠奉)

之三

一夜高歌﹐回來看見金色的禮物袋﹐還是會會心微笑。雖然﹐何時我會鼓起勇氣﹐試用裡面香噴噴的禮物還是未知之數。還是謝謝妳﹐親愛的。

Monday, June 12, 2006

日出 再起步

驀地驚醒
今天是暑假的最後一天
也可以這樣說﹐是正式結束學生身份前的最後一夜了。

在這樣分水嶺式的毛聞﹐人總會想停一停﹐想一想
在時間裡劃一道痕跡﹐撒下回憶的種子

回首過去六年在天子門下﹐風雨飄搖﹐精彩豐盛
想起雙親負擔的三十多萬學費
我仍能不臉紅的昂首說一句
不枉此行

聽罷 Chicago﹐重溫 Mary Poppins﹐在衣香嬪影和白雪公主中間﹐天真可愛﹐鮮血淋漓。冥冥中似乎早就暗示了香港大學在我成長歷程中留下的印記。

尚有兩個多小時便要出門﹐還是開了這個部落格﹐除了讓自己這夜的思潮泄洪﹐其一是藉著公開日記的壓力﹐好好磨煉日久鏽蝕的文筆﹔二則乃係想要認真體驗這網上潮流的魅力﹔三則﹐我的她要搬走了﹐此處正好成為讓她將來了解她男人在醫院奮鬥折騰的窗口。且看我今次能否持之以恆。

時差作祟﹐一夜低迴。天亮了。

_____樓梯街的光影痕跡__________________________________