This whole morning has been a total nightmare. A morning, being so unbelievably dreadful and exhausting, is however about to change the rest of my career life.
No mornings were ever so long and yet so short. There is nothing like making like 30 phone calls to a dozen of complete strangers, asking (begging) for some favor which you know well enough how remote the chance is for them to say yes to whatever you're asking. Out of the dozen of them, only 2 of them didn't reject me immediately after they've heard about AHNH, but within 3 minutes afterwards. Before that, I wasn't extremely passimistic about the going to AHNH, now I am.
I wouldn't have turnt down all those offers to swap with me last week, in the first place, if I knew all these are happening. And after all those stuggling, now it turnt out that it sounds even like it is me who has done something, to make these happening to me myself.
"Look, I've given you a few hours to do what you wanna do. And you still cannot make it. It is 3 o'clock in the afternoon already. There is nothing I can do. I must send the list to the HR and tell the people in AHNH that you are going there."
Hey, Listen up.
FUCK YOU!
Now all are settled, as badly as it can be.
And the anger is over. All I have now is desperation, sadness and an exhausted mind.
It wouldn't feel so bad if they have allocated me this way in the first place last week, so that I still have a chance to swap. Even if I eventually may end up in the same situation, at least I had some, eventhough tiny, sense of control, and a chance to do something. Now it almosts feels like being raped. The question that keeps haunting my head for the whole morning was, "HOW ON EARTH CAN THEY DO THIS TO ME?" And you know what, I cannot even make a complaint about all these outrage, as some friend have suggested. I still have to work with those people in AHNH for 3 bloody months. (not mentioning the very reference I will have to ask from them for God's sake) The last thing I want is to spoil my reputation before I even get there.
I'm done, fucked, doomed, simply doomed, very doomed, period.
The thing I was worried most is about to happen.
This is the end of it.
What have I done wrong to deserve all these?!
快不行了
怎麼辦
怎麼辦
怎麼辦
怎麼辦
怎麼辦
怎麼辦
怎麼辦?
(subjected to further elaborations, after the writer has pulled himself together, if ever possible)
4 comments:
dear bert,
where is the passionate enthusiastic yet optimistic you?
i know it's difficult for me to say anything that can soothe your feelings. (and heck you know i am so bad at it)... but you'd always have loads of people all ready to be a listener... you havent done ANYTHING wrong at all if you were blaming yourself. i can treat you COOKIES if you want something sugary. (spoonful of them helps the medicine go down)
anyways. cheerios. find me anytime if need someone to PUNCH.
btw.
is chiu may you wrote in the previously referring to anyone i know?
take care.
mary...
take care, and everything will be fine...
Being optimistic is a mission impossible for me, for the moment at least. I'm sorry. I just couldn't help.
And no, things are not gonna be fine. This time I knew too well about it.
But thanks to both of you. All I need now is some more time, to get a grip. (which i haven't got any, as preinternship attachment is starting in 4 days time)
Everything will turn out fine. Trust me!
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